I am the very model of a modern Scientologist;
our founder, L. Ron Hubbard, proudly scorned the word "psychologist."
He founded first a science with no base experimental,
then he made it a religion, free from taxes governmental.
He mesmerized his followers with treatments Dianetical
(and called a few "fair game" when their beliefs became heretical)
and long beyond the day his mortal form had turned to humus, he
still published a new novel every Saturday, posthumously.
The Church provides, along with teaching recondite tenebrities,
a golden opportunity to hobnob with celebrities:
Travolta, Alley, Cruise, and other Hollywood apologists:
I am the very model of a modern Scientologist.I am the very model of a modern Scientologist.
My legal killer instinct would befit a criminologist.
When my religion's threatened I assail its foes extensively
(and force Suppressive Persons to defend themselves expensively).
I sue on cue for libel, seeking damages juridical,
no matter if the statements are mendacious or veridical
and when I would intimidate my enemies litigiously
I vest myself in stately robes of copyright, religiously.
The secrets of my faith I guard with reverence fanatical
from eyes that haven't paid to learn, at daily rates piratical,
the gnosis of a mystical sectarian technologist:
I am the very model of a modern Scientologist.There's thirty other verses I could post without compunction,
But I'm not allowed to do it 'cause I'm under an injunction.
To kill and kill and keep killing,
Is truly and deeply fulfilling.
Caught up in the rapture
I've no fear of capture --
The danger just makes it more thrilling.
-- Hannibal Emptor
Scientology - It's worse than you think
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